I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
