My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
