Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
