hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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