Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
