I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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