Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
