Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
