M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize