Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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