Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wear drunk well.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
