yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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