I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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