i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize