Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
