My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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