Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
