I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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