you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
