We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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