ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
