Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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