Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
