I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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