I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
