i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
