I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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