I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
