how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Only a mothe r could love this liver
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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