apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize