I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i came on her dog
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
