Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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