ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
