My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This baby is an asshole
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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