It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
