My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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