theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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