Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
