Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
please come you make the beer taste better
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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