need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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