I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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