We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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