There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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