i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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