I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
