That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
