At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
