I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
