i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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