OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
