Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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