Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize