If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
