Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
