Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
