make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
