Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
