Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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