Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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