i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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