omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
