come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
