I'm going to jail i love you
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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