Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
