he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
