like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
