I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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