I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
