so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
