If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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