Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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