He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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