Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize