i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
