if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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