Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
