I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
